I will always hold dear the first wonderful 18 months of my daughter’s life.
They are after all, the first 18 months of my motherhood journey.
I feel I’ve learned more in these 18 months than in… ever, probably.
Sometimes it wasn’t so wonderful though.
It was hard as heck.
It was hard to do simple things like take a proper shower. I don’t think 2 minutes qualifies for a proper shower. It was impossible to write at first, or watch a movie without being interrupted by a night feeding, and daily piles of dirty dishes. And the breastfeeding, oh my. I’m not even going to go there.
So, in these beautiful, wonderful, hard months, I was taught a number of things by my daughter.
1. You struggle for a reason.
No one told me about the resilience I would need to keep it all together — not just on the outside, but in the inside; in my core where all the crazy emotions take over without my permission. But, without struggle how could I understand it today? How could I value everything I’ve got?
2. You learn the meaning of love. I sure did…
- When my husband chose patience instead of agitation in the middle of all the chaos.
- When instead of arguing back, he reassured me by grabbing my hand.
- When he did his part around the house without complaining, even after coming back from work because he understood that what I do at home is work too.
- When he called me beautiful despite uncombed hair, bags under my eyes, and the same PJ’s for three days in a row.
- When I called him at his job crying a few times from all the frustration and sleep-deprivation and he responds from love, not stress, saying that I’m doing an amazing job.
Love is about sticking together through tough times too — not just the fun times.
3. Control is an illusion.
There was a time… I think my daughter was three months old when for a whole week she napped at the same time every_single_day.
“Wow,” I thought. “It’s not so bad…wooohooo!”
Then she threw me a curb ball! The next day, she didn’t nap all until 4pm and slept for almost four hours straight! What the?
Really?
The next day, she did something completely different, and the day after that too. I was shocked but soon caught on to the surprises and instead of being frustrated, I went with the flow and let the napping take care of itself. Because you have to choose between being a neurotic control freak or being happy.
4. Stay connected with your passions, mama.
Be ruthless about making the time for your self. I’m a writer, so blogging about my experiences was the perfect way to continue being a writer.
How can you continue doing what you love? I stay at home, and people think this frees me up with all kinds of time. Bullshit! I write when my husband gets back from work (5 hours per week since I split it up in two days) and when my daughter takes naps (another 5-7 per week) I don’t have excuses. I’m making blogging and freelancing my part time job now.
My daughter needs a smart, strong, independent mom to emulate — someone with goals who enjoys many things in life — outside the home. I mean, we have to practice what we preach. Otherwise, it’s pretty unfair to expect the same from them.
5. No one tells you how much you grow.
Your bad-ass mothering skills teach you to follow your inner compass, and not somebody else’s. Like you’ve got super powers. Though I’ve always been a tough cookie, motherhood has made me even tougher and so much wiser.
6. Parenting and taking care of yourself is the primary thing.
It isn’t the cleaning, cooking or doing all sorts of new things what’s important to being a good mom. It’s not about creating Pinterest boards of your life, or getting crafty when you hate crafts. You and baby are first, everything else comes after.
7. Don’t assume the world should understand you.
Ask for what you want. You want to be left a lone for two hours? Call someone and ask them to on come by on (fill out the day here) to watch your child for two hours and then, put on your shoes, open the door and walk out. Go to a coffee shop, get a pedicure, or go for a long refreshing walk.
8. Breastfeed as long as you want to, (if you’re breastfeeding).
I still breastfeed. I wanted to stop when Zella was one, but decided to let it happen later to avoid the stress of forced weaning. I don’t know when the end date is. I know it’s coming since she no longer nurses as much. But, I don’t rush the process.
9. Stop breastfeeding whenever you want to.
If you are breastfeeding, you should decide when you’re ready to move on and give the boobies a break. I mean, it’s hard work! If it is becoming an issue for you, like say, your baby wakes up too much in the middle of the night, and this is affecting your sleep and your partner’s, there is nothing wrong with weaning. Every mother should decide what is best for her and her family.
10. Nobody focuses on your baby’s behaviors as much as you do.
Your baby is normal. At first, I used to wonder things like, “Why doesn’t my daughter want to be carried by people? Why does she cry when someone she doesn’t know or doesn’t know too well says, “Hello?”
She likes to get to know people and keep a distance at first. I feel lucky about this now, actually.
All babies are different.
Don’t force them on playdates or make them “kiss” other babies or say “hello” to people they’ve never seen in there lives. Let things happen naturally and don’t worry if they don’t want to socialize, play or share yet.
Trust me, they are picking up on things. There will be a lot of time for them to understand and grasp social etiquette.
11. Don’t read too much on parenting.
This one is hard because for many of us Millennial parents, we’re used to getting information by finding answers on the internet. I’ve done it. But, this can be time consuming and overwhelming because there is so much information available that you do not know what to read, and get distracted. Like say, if your baby is not crawling yet, I doubt a book can help. Just go with the flow instead and trust that they will crawl in their own time.
12. Don’t rush to loose weight.
Take your time and be good to your body by eating when you’re hungry and not dieting. You can loose weight little by little later.
13. Record the milestones.
I know it’s hard to do this, especially if you work outside the home. But, ask your baby’s caregiver to help you capture these irreversible moments. Don’t panic if you forgot to record or take a picture of something. But, these are precious months and totally worth the time.
14. TV is okay — in moderation.
I’m not saying to make the TV a babysitter. But, if you need to get something done, like chop vegetables to prepare dinner, you’re okay. Or shoot me, if you need to just sit down and chill for a bit, that’s okay. TV that is age appropriate, and in small doses won’t hurt.
15. Parental guilt is never going away.
We’re primed to put our children first. We want to be perfect based on false standards. It’s not fair. Let’s take it easy on ourselves. From time to time, you will feel you didn’t do something right or feel guilty when something slipped your mind, like putting sunblock on your little one on a scorching hot day. It happens to all of us, and all we can do is try to see it as normal. The guilt will be there, but don’t dwell on it. Just keep going.
16. This is where you need and want to be.
After months of debating what to do with my life: go back to work, or not — I realized I was happy raising my daughter and staying at home. For an ambitious and driven person like me, this didn’t make sense to me at first. How was I happy to be a stay-at-home mom? Aren’t stay-at-home moms lonely, neurotic souls with depression problems?
Then I realized I was stereotyping. My respect for mothers in general grew because I finally understood how vital our role is in society. Society will fall apart without us mothers.
Whatever you decide — whether it’s to stay at home or return to work — trust that you know what is best and that makes it right.
17. There is nothing in the world a smile from your child cannot cure.
Whatever it is I may be going through, there is nothing like being woken up by a beautiful little face, smiling at me, pushing me out of bed in the morning. Well, okay –this is just plain annoying. But, after I catch her little smile, I’m melted.
18. They keep you active and physically motivated. *From my husband, Carlos:
Children keep you active and motivated in many ways. Because babies and toddlers need to be entertained with play, walks and games on a daily basis, they definitely keep you on our toes.
The first 18 months have been everything: beautiful, wonderful, hard, tiring, stressful, happy, nostalgic, sad, hilarious, creative, amazing.
Happy 18 months, Zella and thank you!
On to toddler-hood…
What did you learn in the first 18 months of being a mom? I would love to know.
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